It took me awhile to get back to this series after writing the first post in the Series. I felt, I don’t know, icky, dirty, too exposed, freaked, whatever.
It isn’t because I am ashamed of what happened. It happened TO me, not because I did something wrong. It is just that it still held power to affect me, even after all these years.
I’ve been working with my health and lifestyle coach, Angela Doggett, for almost 6 months. We started out in the health area because I needed to lose weight. But she has also been helping me find a new, healthier “normal” and during that process, a lot of garbage came up out of me. Some of it actually surprised me because I thought it was things I’d already dealt with.
It was more of a suppression than it was “dealt with” – and once it came out, I felt a freedom inside me I hadn’t felt in a long time. I caught a glimpse of my old self smiling at me, but more importantly, I saw a new self who’s confidence is being built on a strong, non-tainted foundation.
You know, tainted – something that can come back to bite me in the bootie years later.
I know Alpha Hubby and I had talked about some of the strange things that happened to me in my younger days. It really was as if I were a light bulb that drew really oddball dude-moths to flitter around me and kind of ruin my future.
I’d already talked about my first boss who exposed himself to me when I was 15, and you would think that was enough, right? But no. I went off to college and ran into even stranger things. I still look back and think, “Boy, was that girl a dummy or what?” but that’s not true.
I may have been raised with no preparation for how to deal with the real world, a lot naive and unworldly, had one semi-date ever, but I was not a dummy. It took awhile but I finally had to learn that the problem was with those men (boys), not me.
I was the kind of person who trusted until you earned my distrust. So much so that it never crossed my mind that people didn’t always think the way I did or that their actions had hidden motives.
Case in point. Two years after my first job and boss mess, my freshman year in college was almost over. My semi-best friend went home for the weekend to visit her parents. Her boyfriend said, “Well, since my girlfriend and your best friend is out of town and we don’t have anything to do, wanna go to see that new movie at the drive-in?” Sure, made sense to me.
Now I can see you thinking, “Boy, what a dumb bunny she is.” But you are looking at that paragraph with years of experience behind you now. You are not looking at this with “fresh away from home believe everyone is good” eyes.
We get to the drive-in, start watching the movie and he grabs my hand and puts it on his crotch. Now think here: would I know what he was doing and understand what was under my hand? I would not. I knew “it” was hard and no, I wasn’t completely stupid, I sort of knew what “it” was. I jerked my hand away and asked, “What are you doing?”
Then it was more along the line of, “Well, since my girlfriend and your best friend is out of town… I thought we could…”. I was, “WHAT? NO! She’s my best friend. I would never do that to her. How can you think I would?” except I was also scared. It was like a big teddy-bear I’d trusted turned into a ravaging grizzly beast.
He tried to take my hand again. I jerked back. He tried to pull me over to his side of the car – dratted bench seats! He grabbed at my private area, and I grabbed his hand and tossed it aside. He tried to push me down in the seat, I popped back up – this went on three times and to this day I wonder what the people in the car behind our car thought was going on with that jack-in-the box scene.
For those of you who want to ask, “Well, why didn’t you get out of the car and leave?” First, the drive-in was out of town limits and far to far to walk. Second, it never crossed my mind because as dangerous as this could have been, it really never crossed my mind that he would actually hurt me.
And thank God, he gave up, disgruntled. He stated that we may as well go back to town – which took me a long time later – years – before I realized he’d planned the whole evening. On purpose.
I really, really hope he and that girlfriend didn’t marry. I don’t recall now what happened to them but I do remember I battled whether or not to tell her what happened at the drive-in. I talked to my mom about it. She made the true point that this girl would never have believed me. And that bugged me. It still bugs me to this day that you can tell a girl her boyfriend hit on you and she’ll hate YOU, not him. She won’t believe you.
I was going to tell you about my exposing landlord but I’ll save that for the next post. I’ve had enough of this trip down memory lane.
Suffice it to say, some of the most important attributes I love about Alpha Hubby are his honor, integrity and word. If he tells you he is going to do something, he will. He is the most honorable man I know and that is so vital, especially in today’s society. He never manipulates people.
I needed exactly who he is – a trustworthy man. Wow, does that sound like an oxy-moron? It did to me when he and I first met.
His love is pure and real. Even after 23 years. It never wavered, never weakened, never changed.
What a blessed woman I am.