This first song on my playlist is for Alpha Hubby. Go over and Pause it if you don’t want to hear music!
I like peanut butter. I can have a jar of peanut butter last for a month or more because I don’t eat a lot but when I get a hankering for a spoonful,
I like to have it on hand.
On the other hand, Alpha Hubby adores peanut butter. There isn’t a jar of peanut butter out there than he doesn’t love. Even dry organic peanut butter is no match for his voracious appetite when it comes to peanut butter. NO jar is safe from him.
After years of reaching for a tin or jar of peanut butter and discovering only a bit at the bottom, I got smart the other day and bought TWO small jars. One was mine, for me, one that I would have to keep hidden from him. One was totally his and when he was OUT he was OUT.
Now don’t ask me why. I guess hope springs eternal and all that jazz. I had my jar at the end of the kitchen breakfast counter. I knew he had his own jar so I wasn’t worried about it. I had plans to hide mine but hadn’t gotten around to it.
Day Three of my jar sitting at the end of the counter. We’re sitting at the counter, side by side, lovingly chatting and just enjoying being together. I glanced over at my jar and noticed something odd, something disturbing, something NOT RIGHT. It was EMPTY. I grabbed it up, took the lid off and looked at Alpha Hubby in disbelief.
I said, in dulcet tones, “WHERE IS MY PEANUT BUTTER???”
He just grinned at me, with that innocent “what?” look on his face.
I said, not quite so dulcet, “Did you eat my peanut butter?”
He still looked innocent, “No.”
I screeched, “My jar is empty. Where is my peanut butter? Did you eat my peanut butter? You did, didn’t you? You’ve done this to me before.”
He continued to maintain his innocence even in the face of total proof in the empty jar.
I ranted, “I can’t believe you did that to me. How could you? You had your own jar. You knew the rules. How can you sit there and act like it is okay to eat my peanut butter? I had three-quarters of a jar left and now it is empty! If you didn’t eat it, where is it? The jar is EMPTY! I can’t believe you ate my peanut butter!!”
He still continued to maintain his innocence.
“How can you sit there and lie? I am looking at an empty jar!! Do you realize how selfish that is to have eaten my peanut butter? Do ya? Well, do ya, punk???” Oh yeah, I was totally channeling Dirty Harry and getting a good head of steam because he’d done it to me again.
Please understand. I am not being unreasonable. This is the man who once put an empty container back in the refrigerator. I thought there was still food left in the container – as ANYONE would think considering it was sitting in a refrigerator – and when my mouth began to water for the contents, I lovingly got the container out of the refrigerator, opened the container… only to discover it was empty.
I explained, sweetly (!) that one does NOT put an empty container into a refrigerator because it leads the other someone to believe there is food leftover when there is NOT. It sets the other someone up for disappointment and then, unfortunately for the other one, extreme anger and revenge.
So he said, “OK!” and I thought that was the end to it.
The next time I reached into the fridge thinking I had something to eat, I discovered… no, not an empty container. No, he learned that lesson. What I found was ONE BITE left of the food.
I freaked and said, “WHAT is this? There’s only one bite left in here? You can’t put a container that was full of food back in the refrigerator with only one bite left in it! It sets someone up to believe there is food left when there obviously is NOT”
His reply? Well obviously he is a “letter of the law” type man because he said, “Well, it’s not empty.”
Yes, I did let him live thought that but still… grrr. So he had another lesson to learn – if you want peace in the house do NOT leave a container in the refrigerator with only one bite left or a jug with only one swallow left or a jar with only one teaspoon left and thus and so on. One has to be very specific with an Alpha Hubby.
So back to the peanut butter story. I was on a roll, freaking that he ate my entire jar of peanut butter. He continued to disavow his guilt. Then he stood up, went over to his side of the food cabinet and reached up and pulled down a… three-quarters full jar of peanut butter, roaring with laughter.
Yes, gentle readers, after years, he got me. He had switched out the jars – his empty for my three-quarters full jar – right under my nose. He snickered. He laughed, and dare I say it? He giggled like a maniac. Oh he thought he was all that.
I must admit, but don’t tell him, he really was all that. That was a really good one and yes, he got me good. And yes, I’m still snickering at it.
I’m just glad I didn’t do something stupid like pull a Dirty Harry on him.