Today’s Song Reference:
Long before I met Alpha Hubby, I dreamed about all the fairy tale stories – of finding that one special one who would believe in me, help me be the best I could be, dance with me, go on adventures with me, and love me, love me, love me. I dreamed.
I also was so full of confidence. So relaxed and in love with life. I wasn’t afraid of anything! I just knew nothing was impossible and great things were in store for me every single day! I believed the best was in everyone I met (I didn’t say I was smart). I couldn’t wait to wake up and discover what was going to happen each day. I wore the flowing dresses, twirling around in the fields of crimson and clover, writing poetry I still understand years later – those words instantly taking me back to that exact moment I penned them.
I was an artist painting with my watercolors, brilliant, bright and vibrant, and creating charcoal and pencil drawings of every little thing and person that struck my fancy. I listened to music that made me happy and fell in love with jazz and blues even though I wasn’t blue. Otis Redding, Sam Cook – mellow grooves, soul or R&B, and more Eagles and Doobie Brothers than Black Sabbath. I was so glad to get out from under the strict thumb of my parents that I went breathlessly running with freedom.
But… somewhere along the way I lost me before I met Alpha Hubby. I ended up being a person not quite as confident as she used to be. Sometimes bad things happen to people. Bad things done or bad things that happen or bad things that were said or bad accidents that change everything. Then fears develop. Scars and baggage slowly eat away at confidence, turning bold into fragile.
So many of us have lost our “self” and who we thought we were. Sometimes there has been violence that’s hard to get over. Sometimes it is an accident that changes everything. Sometimes it is as simple as words that are used as hammers, axes, and knives, cutting, slicing, smashing, and hacking away. And while humans are resilient, sometimes it takes awhile to become anything resembling normal again.
After I met Alpha Hubby, even after all the years that had gone by before I met him, I still flinched if he raised his hand in an expressive movement while talking. I jested in the About Me that I was waiting for him to turn into the psycho axe-murdering killer I knew he could secretly be, but really? I was waiting for him to turn.
And what did he do? Well, he never turned. He just kept loving me. Just kept believing in me. Just kept telling me I was amazing to him and that my dreams were valid. He just kept putting his palm on my cheek and telling me that he could feel my love for him. He helped erase my nightmares.
He loved my stories, stole my artwork, fell in love with my singing. He waited while I worked through deep-seated fear issues. He never got impatient with me. He helped me work through my daymares and trust issues. He kissed my tears away when I did have a nightmare. He just kept loving and loving and loving and loving me. He still loves that strongly to this day.
He helped me heal. He helped me discover who I can be when there is unconditional love. He helped me change the view I had inside me, how I saw myself. He has been there, rock solid in his love for me no matter what. I know that even after all this time I still have a few little tiny issues it is time to deal with. But I know with his amazing love, I am going to keep working on finding the parts of that woman who are still missing, and I will get her back. I will be brave. I will not fear. I will be a bold as I was when I was in my past.
I truly believe God sent him to help me put myself back together again, only better because I have his true and real love. That’s why I write so much about him and his incredible love. It is what I know best.
Because of him I am dancing and twirling and singing and trusting and drawing and painting and writing and just BEING. Joyfully!
Only this time I am not alone!
Babe, someone said it better than me:
You’ve got a way with me
Somehow you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I’ve gotta say you really got a way
You’ve got a way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You’ll never know just what that means
Can’t you see you’ve got a way with me
You’ve got a way with words
You get me smiling even when it hurts
There’s no way to measure what your love is worth
I can’t believe the way you get through to me
Oh, how I adore you
Like no one before you
I love you just the way you are
It’s in the way you want me
Oh it’s in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love’s made of
It’s in the way we make love
It’s just the way you are