See this girls face, below? That’s how I felt when I hooked up with Alpha Hubby.
I felt skittish. I didn’t trust his love. I waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wondered what he really wanted. I was waiting to be proven right, that he was a hidden ax-murderer and was there to hack what was left of my heart into a million pieces.
He would put his hand on my face like in that above picture. It made me VERY uncomfortable. I’d asked why he was doing that. He’d always reply, “I can tell where you are – I can feel who you.”
NO NO NO! Who does he think he is, trying to get into my psyche? Into my brain? Into my thought life. Well, he was my new husband but that is neither here or there, is it?
I had no reason to trust him – or any man. I’d been through an entire lifetime of strange, painful, hurtful, stupid, weird, cataclysmic, embarrassing, horrifying, blah blah blah to infinity – stuff – with men.
I just figured out a timeline of my first job at 15 and my first year after I left home to go to college. It was all so strange that I don’t think I’d realized until yesterday that so much of it happened in that first year rather than stretched out over many years. It seemed like that stuff went on longer than that.
At my first ever job other than babysitting, I worked 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m., answering the telephone at the local newspaper office. I would write down when people didn’t get their newspaper, contact the carrier and have them take another one to the subscriber. I was 15, it was easy work and I was proud of my first job.
A few weeks into it, “it” happened. I sat inside an office. My boss sat at a desk outside my office across from the front door. I would have to pass his desk to go out the front door to leave after work.
One evening I gathered my purse and walked out of the office. Two steps out and my boss said, “Are you leaving now?” I glanced at him and he was cocked (heh heh) back in his chair so that his hips were above the desk line of sight. He was unzipped and standing at attention – although I wasn’t that sure because it was teensy tiny – at least in my memory.
I was so shocked but I acted like I’d seen nothing, mumbled “yes” and automatically turned left to go down the four steps to the locked door. Back then when extra keys were made, they were often aluminum. I was shaking so badly I almost broke the key off in the door lock. I was so full of fear of what would happen if I did.
I was 15. Back in the 70’s most 15 year olds weren’t sexually aware and that kind of wise like so many girls are today. I was not only naive but I’d never seen one of “those” before.
I went home and immediately told my mom. After a few, “Are you sure” comments – which did not help – she and my dad decided that I wouldn’t have to go back to work. While that worked, it also left me unfulfilled – as if justice hadn’t been served. I was the “out of work” one and he got away with exposing his wee-willy-winkie at me. Ugh.
Worst of all, that wasn’t the first and last time something like that happened to me.
I choose to forgive this man.
So fast forward several years and I’m facing unconditional love. What’s a girl to do in the face of that? Freak out, I tell you. FAH*R*E*A*K out. How DARE he love me unconditionally and make me FEEL things?
Poor Alpha Hubby.
End Part 1