Little Black Dress Diaries

In a little over a week, it will have been 7 months since Leland moved to heaven without me. I still remember sitting there arguing with God that I should be able to come on, too. He disagreed.

Seven months later, I can report that I am going to live and thrive. I can say that without feeling guilty (finally). I am able to breathe without it feeling as if I have a broken rib, pain. Breath that hurts because of the agony in my heart. 

My son Josh, Mr. Bossy Britches, has taken up the mantle of quoting his dad’s wise sayings, and throwing in his own. While dealing with his own pain, he constantly preached to me that I was going to make it. He would nag that I couldn’t insult his dad’s faith, memory, or who he was and what he stood for, by falling apart. 

Yes, there were times I wanted to smack him. I didn’t. He was right and we both survived.

No, I didn’t feel as if I could go on, putting one foot in front of the other. There were times I did not want to get out of bed but I had to. It hurt so badly that I spent a lot of time just sitting and staring. And, as my friend Susan told me after she lost her 46 year old son to a stupid surgery accident a month prior – it’s perfectly okay to just sit.

I still don’t leave the house much, but I do leave. I still don’t want to talk to people who knew us, but I have. I am just now able to read people’s emails sent to me from back then; I just couldn’t in the beginning.

I still have a little bit of trouble looking at his many pictures. I can’t listen to his playlists of all his favorite songs. These things just overwhelm me with memories right now. But that’s okay, too. Someday they won’t hurt. 

I heard this song today. It is one I found to give to Leland. It was a way I expressed my love to him – finding songs that fit our relationship (and vice versa). He loved this song because it expressed who he was. He was always asking me to dance with him. He always worked to keep “the world” away from us. He protected what we had.

It doesn’t hurt, this song. It is one of the sweeter memories I have of him. I am pretty sure somewhere in past posts, I had already shared this song.

Today it is a poignant memory with the definition being, ‘something that is moving or touching but also slightly painful.”  That describes this memory – it hurts so good.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me. I am grateful.

♥♥