This is part of the on-going series Pamela over at Road to Joy and I began last week. To see Pamelas original challenge, click on this link: HERE. On Twitter, we have the hashmark #30days. For the rest of LBD’s posting on this, see these links:
See them. Alpha Hubby needs to know I “see” him – that I am not distracted by the computer, housework, writing, children, friends, etc. I need to know he “sees” me, too. That he’s not just hearing “blah blah blah” in the background. It goes back to focus – is mine on him first?
Oh, no growling. I hear some of you thinking “What about MY needs?” Well, what about them? Trust me when I say that there is a reciprocal respect. You truly reap what you sow. You put everything ahead of him, including the children (and yes we were like this when Alpha Son was at home), then eventually you “reap” that – he will lose interest, and things will be put ahead of you – work, hobbies, sports.
The first thing we do when one of us comes home is track the other down to see what they’re doing. I know, I know, gag me (yay). I am so used to hearing, “Whereya at?”or “Whattya doing?” that it would be strange if he didn’t ask that – although I always reply, “What’s it to you?” He: “I’m writing a book and it’s about you!” Oh yes, we have scintilationg, sexy, hot conversations!
But you know what? I have his total focus. And he knows I can’t wait to see him and I wouldn’t trade those silly habits for anything. Those habits are part of the foundation that makes us gag people. It’s what we aspire to remain! Have you seen Pamela’s article on Couples That Make You Want to Puke? Check it out – it’s great!
When I asked Alpha Hubby about this the other day, he told me, “What is most important to me is that I need to know you believe in me. I need to know you think I am your hero.” Sure we know we can each take care of ourselves; that’s not what this is about. It’s about admiration, trust, confidence, cheering squad, faith, belief in, respect, and appreciation.
Nothing is more seductive to a man than a woman thinking he’s all-that and knowing she means it. Hello? Do I need to go back and remind you of the woman seducing a man? He KNOWS she sees him. We could learn a lot from a seductress!
I need to make sure he is first and #1 in my life, and that he knows it. Ladies, let’s play with a foreign concept here: girlfriends are NOT to be your first concern; he is. I know television, books and movies all go out of their way to show women klatching, talking about their significant others and everyone thinks that’s OK, funny even.
Some try to make the stand, “Only my girlfriends really understand me and my needs” REALLY? Well, wow. I could have sworn I heard that years ago from some married guy, something along the lines of, “My wife doesn’t really understand me. You do.” I told him then he had his eyes on the wrong woman. Eech. My (former very quickly) boss.
I’m sorry, I just don’t agree with that theory of the girlfriends. It makes me cringe to see a group of women gossiping about, laughing at and about their men. Wasn’t there something in the vows about forsaking all others? The more you disrespect, the farther apart you will grow. That is another lie we have bought in to – that it’s OK to talk about your significant other in a derogatory way, outside the marriage.
I want his focus. Those girlfriends of yours are NOT the ones you are supposed to tell your secrets to, your mate is. Never, ever, ever, talk about your hubby behind his back with your girlfriends, especially laughing about him in an ugly way or pointing out his faults. Men, never, ever, ever talk about your woman at the office in a derogatory way. Do not ever tell anyone what you perceive to be her bad points.
Those actions are just one more step toward loss. If you’ve gotten into the habit, then work to change it back. Habits can be changed. What goes on in the marriage, stays in the marriage, OK? We could learn a lot from the hear-no, see-no, speak-no evil thought process. It’s all a matter of what you choose to focus on! I have a riot with my girlfriends. We have fun. But they are not the focus of my intimacy and life. He is.
My mom taught me – “If you never let youself focus on mistakes that might have been made, truly forgive and forget, then you can always see them as amazing – because they are. You won’t bring up the past and throw it at them, because you learn to forget it (or not use it by choice). Doesn’t mean they didn’t make you mad, well, no one can MAKE you mad – it is your choice to get mad, how you reacted. But it means choosing what you focus on.” She had an focused, passionate and romantic marriage for 53 years.
I’ve heard so many times, “I wish I had what you had.” Well here’s the deal. Do what I do, reap what I reap. OH MY GOSH, I waited too long for my soulmate, hero, knight in shining armor! I made the determination, long before I met him, that I would refuse to play the games I saw so many women play.
I refuse to speak badly about him. I refuse to talk about him with anyone at all, except to tout his praises. And you know what? That is not a lie – it is what I have chosen to focus on. His good points. The more I do, the more he has! But is it any surprise that also has a reciprocal? The more you focus on the bad points, the more there seem to be.
Alpha Hubby and I made promises to each other right after we got married (as so many do) – “Let’s never lose the honeymoon feeling, OK? We waited too long for this.” THAT means you have to fight, tooth and nail sometimes, to keep that focus on one another. It takes work because sometimes it seems the entire world is working to pull you apart.
And yes, if it is lost – the respect, passion, focus – you can get it back again. It takes some work and determination, IF you want to get your intimacy back. You have to change your thought process – but that’s a post for another day!
Is he your hero? Does he know it?
Portions of this post are excerpts from “The Tango Element: The Passionate Marriage and Keeping it That Way” by Nan C. Loyd. (Unpublished book; work-in-progress).
Copyrighted Material © 2009 may not be copied or used without author’s express written permission.