Ya know, this blog is about my journey back into my Little Black Dresses. I have many. All if different sizes. My last one – the final one – is this one:
Just a reminder of what my goal is. My lovely backless beautiful Little Black Dress to stun Alpha Hubby with. I need reminders once in awhile.
I’ve been on this journey over a year and not accomplished much. Oh, I lost a little weight and gained a lot of HEAD knowledge – studying, researching, figuring, learning about myself, freaking, quitting, starting again, never giving up – but I haven’t really, really APPLIED this knowledge. Obviously. Ugh.
I had an epiphany the other day – really eye-opening. Two things happened. One was an incredible dream that I got up and wrote down as soon as I woke up so I wouldn’t forget it. I’ll clean it up and either post it here or on the website. It was something else and said a lot about my inner… child? Image? Skinny person?
The second thing that happened was realizing that there comes a time, as an overweight person, that you realize you’re a schizophrenic or actually, it is called multiple person-inside disorder. No, seriously! You are two people. At least I hope that’s all you are. And it is like you begin to accept, “I am never going to be slender again. I may as well accept this. I am stuck here forever.”
This doesn’t happen on the outside – outside you’re still dieting, exercising, fighting with yourself, eating right, eating wrong, despairing, working toward goals, failing, getting up and doing it again, blah blah blah.
BUT INSIDE! Inside is where the most important things are going on – and I don’t mean digestion. Inside there is a whole other person – one who is programming what you do on the outside. Some people call it our subconscious but I think it’s just a inner evil bread-loving chocolate-hoarding person who wants to control my mind and ruin my life. OK, no, that’s not it. I know you think I have serious issues here but I’m just joshing with ya – really! NO, I am NOT hearing voices. No, you do NOT need to go get the guys with the straightjackets. Really.
OK. I’m back. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was face the fact that the inner image I had of myself physically was fat. It didn’t matter how hard I tried to change, it wouldn’t go away. Of course, I don’t think I even realized that my inner image was like that until recently. A lot of stuff has happened recently.
All my life (well, since Senior year in high school), I’ve been on a diet or watched what I ate, or constantly stayed ON GUARD against gaining wieght. If my weight fluctuated AT ALL, I jumped on it like a bird on a June bug (hubby’s saying). I wasn’t overweight that time period in high school, but I gained a couple of pounds and my mom freaked. That day is BURNED into my memory and actually affected my life profoundly. Dieting controlled the rest of my senior year. She didn’t mean to put that – fear – into me, but it happened all the same.
But still, I never gained weight after that year. That Freshman 15 was taken off as fast as it tried to jump on. Weight-gain induced paranoia began to control my life. It happened years later, after I had my son and had trouble getting the extra 30 pounds off, then quit smoking, then got sloppy on my viligance and viola! A few years ago it all fell apart.
My inner image had fallen apart. I couldn’t SEE that I was gaining weight. I couldn’t tell things had gotten out of hand. And then one day, I did indeed see – ugh – but by that time, I couldn’t even visualize myself slender anymore. It was as if I accepted that it would be impossible to change ever again. It was as if my outside finally caught up with the inner image I had of myself, the picture that developed years ago in the darkroom of my mind with a slender mother who stressed over every pound her daughter dallied with. My outer image became what was inside me.
I finally had to admit to myself recently that I had a skewed inner image. As long as my inner image of myself is fat, my outer self is going to match it. Without the inner image of hope, nothing is going to change. Without change, what you see in the mirror can be a lie – like an aneorexic person who sees fat when they’re bone thin (or vice versa).
This is very eye-opening for me. It explains a lot – like why I can eat right for a few weeks, then suddenly gorge on something I know will trigger a feeding frenzy – pirahana anyone? They are called “remorseless eating machines.” That’s how I feel sometimes. An apt description of me and sourdough French bread. Or cream cheese and bagels.
I am programmed to fail. No, let me change that. I WAS programmed to fail but I’ve caught on to what’s happening. I have to change my inner image.
This is something I will be doing (and telling you about) for the next few blogs (interspersed with the Peaceful Aloha life stuff since it’s all releated. Yeah, your lifestyle can affect your weight. The lack of peace in a home can affect your weight. Stress can affect your weight… but that’s a whole different blog.
Today, I am working on my inner image. There IS a slender woman in there hiding behind that fat blankity-blank so-in-so who’s tried to take over my life. I am going to evict her.
I’m tired of this multiple person-inside disorder!
Here is a great Friday Mixer and check this site out – it’s great!