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Smokin’ Hot S*x

couple hot lovers
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The other day I was thinking about smoking hot sex.  Why, you ask?  Well – if you have to ask….

Just kidding. Part of it is because I said I would talk about in on the blog here and I want to get it right. Only disclaimer is that this is research and opinion, and experience. I know it doesn’t apply to everyone (but it could [bawdy smile]).

Oh, second disclaimer: sex is not not not a dirty word within the context of marriage. Everything else is not what I’m talking about. It’s hard enough to get married people to talk about “it” and hard to get everyone else to shut up about it (or showing it on television, in movies, books, etc. like randy rabbits – or is that an oxymoron?)

wet tango cropped

So I’m just going to jump right in and throw a lot at you (and be pretty blunt so if you get offended, quit reading and don’t leave me a nasty comment. You’ve been warned). I throw all this at you because after this you might not come back (smile).  Here it is: sex is very important to most men, but not in the way most women assume (i.e., horn dog). While most women need things such as financial security to feel safe and loved in a relationship (i.e., they’re not coming to take your home or car away), men need the physical act of sex.

I have heard it put this way, from Alpha Hubby and by reading so many men’s websites – the physical act of sex is like “coming home” and says to a man “I love you” in a way like no other. It gives him a security nothing else can. Again, not not all women or all men.

If this isn’t your relationship, that’s fine. What you have between you and yours is between you and yours, and whatever works for each couple is right for them.

As women, we are not exactly raised to know how vital the act was to a man (oh yeah, I can so see my mom telling me THAT, not). Most of us were told nothing at all.

As men, very few actually talk to their significant others about it. It’s not because they don’t want us to know – I think it is that we don’t give them a safe haven to talk about something as exposing as that. Remember, many are trained that they are supposed to want to BE those horn dogs. And certainly not to talk about the dreaded *feelings*. What he needs is to be able to tell you what he needs.

Talk to the hand

Some of the reasons women give for skipping out on the passion with the love of their lives:  being tired, having a bad day, just ate, rather sleep, feeling fat or un-sexy in some way, kids need them more, needing to do so many other things like housework, blah blah blah. The Number One reason I’ve been given by all the women I’ve interviewed over the years? “I just don’t FEEL like it.”

One woman I interviewed was furious because her husband confessed to her that he’d had a *ahem* how do I say this – a BJ – in his vehicle from a female co-worker. The wife stabbed his vehicle seats until they were destroyed because she was never going to sit on them again. 

Thing is, it had been over a year since they’d had sex. All the reasons why she hadn’t felt like having sex, truth? None were worthy of going a year without. I’m surprised he lasted that long. I told her that she’d sent her man out onto the world without his armor or protection. She was as much at fault as he was. They were both in the wrong.

couple Passion

It is super vital not to allow too much time between physical acts of intimacy. Think of it as that armor I mentioned, that protection he needs. Lack can set the man up to be vulnerable to outside – oh, I’ll just say it – forces of nature known as hussies. Skanks. Ho’s. Those who want your man and appreciate him and tell him so, making him think he’s “all that”. Yes, YOUR man no matter what you think of him. There is another woman out there who’d take him in a Cincinnati Second. And yes I know she doesn’t do his dirty laundry but that is not the point here. And no, most men won’t cheat but again, NOT the point.

Alpha Hubby has only twice refused sex that I initiated – and I think both times he had a temperature over 100 degrees, been feeling flu-like, coughing, and could barely breath. Other than that? He can be tired, dirty, side-tracked by things at work, super busy (like 60 hour weeks) or have a temperature UNDER 100 degrees, and if I’m ready and willing? Well, let’s just say, “Let the games begin!”

And therein lies one of the answers – “If I’m ready and willing” – ME. It pretty much depends on me and my attitude. We solved that pretty quickly in the beginning of our marriage when he came home from work and I was trying to get the dishes done. He kissed the back of my neck, being romantic. Alpha Son wasn’t home from school yet, but I wasn’t READY. And like I learned quick fast, turn him down enough and he’ll quit putting himself out there. It feels like (and is) rejection to him. Then it becomes “roommates”. Distancing beings. He’s protecting himself.

couple sexy in kitchen

We finally realized that sometimes he had to give me a few minutes to switch from mommy mode or housewife mode or cook mode or cleaner mode to rendezvous mode. But I, personally, had to realize that I needed to STOP operating in those modes BEFORE he got home. I needed to stop, drop and roll over. No no, just kidding. I needed to stop, shower, dress in rendezvous clothing, perfume up, makeup up, and indicate “Here I am baby, come and get me because I WANT YOU.” And yeah, that means anywhere, in any room, any how we want it!

He needed to know that and I needed to show that. And after 21+ years? It is still true. He needs to know I want him. It is vital. Important side note? You may feel fat but you dress for him, most men don’t see what you call fat – they see “available” – so no matter what, dress it and strut your stuff, baby. That’s all he wants.

woman overworked

Now I hear you out there – but “Nan, I work outside the home. How can I do that? I’d rather sleep!” Something Alpha Hubby told me when we were doing the 30-days of intimacy – just knowing I WANTED to, helped him to wait until we could. Then again, sometimes you gotta fake it until you make it. NO, NOT THAT. Man, you ladies sure have your minds in the gutter. I mean start getting ready to seduce him. Even if you don’t feel like it. Oftentimes, before you are finished with the makeup, you will have switched “modes” and have begun to think about him and seducing him – and you attitude changes.

Besides – I mean, come on, REALLY, just how long does it take to have sex?? Quickies are awesome and regular doesn’t take hours. It can but that’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking about connecting with one another and protecting one another (especially him). And if you time it right, you can roll over and pass out – together – and have a great night’s sleep.  Bwahahahaha.

love note

It truly needs to be a priority – intimacy. Not just sex but all those gestures that say “I want you” and “You are Number One in my life” and “You matter over all others” and whatever your chat with your significant other showed you was important to him.  You did ask, right?  RIGHT?  WHAT?? Not yet?  Ladies, what are you waiting for? You really need to know what makes them feel special, wanted, necessary, and important to you. It is a great protection to your relationship.

In tune with one another. That’s what it’s all about. The rest of the world fades away when you keep one another Number One. It isn’t always about sex but if you will protect your man by ensuring he is… *ahem* …topped up, you will find things just go better all around. 

Burning heart

And… the smoking hot sex ain’t so bad, either!!!


p.s. and as a friend of mine said in her comment, “…it’s time we debunk the myth that men are ready for sex at the drop of a hat” – true, true. Men are human, too! Yes, really! Men really are not sex machines, able to turn on immediately. Maybe when they are 16, ho ho – but no, they often need what we need – Alpha Hubby and I talk it out – we set dates as in, “OK, let’s plan it for tomorrow night” – and that doesn’t mean going all out so much as just knowing and then preparing, in the mood, thinking that it is going to happen (and me being ready when he comes in from work and giving him time to shower, etc.) – it isn’t always mega romantic – i.e., candles, music, rose petals along the floor – mostly it is just letting each other know we want it.

Sure, we do have the romantic (what I call rendezvous) once in a while but mostly it’s just knowing we planned for it and being aware we did. He tells me he thinks about it all day, knowing that that evening it’s a go. I shut down a little earlier in my day. When I worked, I thought about what I would do that evening to make sure it happened, after Alpha Son went to bed BUT it was on our minds which made it easier to accomplish!

13 thoughts on “Smokin’ Hot S*x

  1. Nan I think it is so important for couples to take care of themselves and make an effort to look good for each other. There is nothing more deadening than taking each other for granted!

    PS Let me know if I can help you with something special from India Hicks!

    The Arts by Karena
    Books for the Holidays!

  2. Bottom line (no pun intended—really), relationships need attention—it doesn’t have to feel like “work”, but it’s too easy to slip into taking each other for granted. The biggest difference in our relationships with all sorts of other people and with our spouse is sexual intimacy, so on Thanksgiving, let’s be thankful for that too. Happy Thanksgiving to you and AH.

  3. Think about the Ho’. How does she come to the man? Does she look bad? A seductress: never have seen one yet that looked bad. She will appear seductive and is prepared to seduce him right out of your hands. I don’t lay blame at only the female’s feet but also the male. Guys, maybe you don’t look like you used to and maybe you don’t think it matters but it does. If you really want to have a love life then you need to do something for yourself that will make a change and show her that you care. The same thing is there for the lady. There is always some sleazy guy out there willing to whisper sweet love words in her ears and make her feel that she is all that. This is a two way street so protect each other.

    1. We have such an amazing relationship. I am so glad you taught me what you have and we can have what we have. You made you worth waiting for. I am so glad I did.

    2. I absolutely agree with Alpha’s comment here. It was perfect. Guys are very very often so selfish in this area.

      1. And women can be very emasculating! It really is what you said up there (overall) – we just need to take care of one another! Pre-plan those mental foreplay moments, rock one another’s worlds and say “I love you” and have sex more than once a year (smile)!

  4. Nan,
    That really was awesome. I want to go back and copy sections of it and paste them in here for re-emphasis… But I don’t have those skills.
    One was about “like coming home” its the sense of security that everything is OK that your wife still loves you and wants you.
    As a parallel. If you tell someone you love them. and then fail to restate it for a year, does it fly to say ” come on now, I told you I loved you a year ago” NOOOOO its important to say it all the time.
    With regards to frequency and pre-planning vs spontaneity, few people lead a life that is so uncluttered that they can make things happen at the snap of the fingers. Life has a tendency to get in the way, and it can become easier and easier just to say, later we will get to that, and we love each other and all is OK. Pamela and I often do a little pre-planning, its like mental foreplay. It’s really nice to know that the other is thinking about it and it is a priority.
    I also thought what you said about men not always being ready at the spur of the moment was insightful. As foolish as it sounds to write it, Men, ME, I, want to rock Pamela’s world every time, want it to be the best ever, want to leave her unable to wait till the next time. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves, and sometimes we just are not able to deliver for one reason or the other. Pressure crushes intimacy. I often need to do a little self coaching about being realistic and appreciate every intimate moment for exactly what it is. wonderful.

    1. Oh my gosh, Eric – that is just what Leland and I were talking about last night (1) how movies etc., show sex to always be incendiary & spontaneous, which is NOT true but people think they are failing because it’s not like that for them every time and (2) putting too much pressure, unrealistic expectations or performance pressure on the man and it blows everything because in reality, men are human, too! Truth is, no matter how we do it, quickie, romantic, slam bam, he rocks my world every single time and I am willing to bet Pamela feels the same way. Every single time. Oh and p.s. I have a copy/paste block so no one can copy the content!

      1. Oh and p.s. – love that line “pre-planning… being like mental foreplay” – exactly!! When he knows we have it planned for that evening, he thinks about getting it all day – and is primed when he gets home. Mental foreplay – perfect!!

  5. Wow, you nailed it! I know that when my super awesome husband feels rejected, he starts to get doubts in his head about my love and attraction for him. It doesn’t take much to put them there, but it is easy to take them back out again. It’s important to him, thus, for that reason alone, it would be important to me. (It’s important to me anyway, but his needs matter)

    1. You are one of the very few couples I know who have what I have so it’s living proof that Leland and I are not unusual or freak-a-zoids!! You said it, it is not hard to get those doubts back out. It’s important to Leland, too and yes that makes it important to me! You so are a couple that make people puke!

  6. Nan!! Now this is what I call a must read post! Love, love how you take the bulls by the horns and give it to us in one shot! Intimacy. Ah yes, we all crave it. Sadly, while some men are more than happy to engage in sex, a big majority of them are not willing to go through the trouble of creating this happy vibe. You are spot on when you say women like the romance and the sense of connectedness and I’m sure some men do too, but sadly, that has not been my experience. And while we’re on the subject, I think not cultivating passion and romance is what throws marriages head into the land of boredom and routine. I also want to say that it’s time we debunk the myth that men are ready for sex at the drop of a hat. I have yet to meet such a sex machine and if what my friends say is anything to go by, there’s many women living in a sexless marriage. I’ve always said this but it bears repeating–your relationship with Alpha Hubby is what dreams are made of. I think it’s time you wrote a book and shared your secrets with us! Hugs! 🙂

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