The other day I was thinking about smoking hot sex. Why, you ask? Well – if you have to ask….
Just kidding. Part of it is because I said I would talk about in on the blog here and I want to get it right. Only disclaimer is that this is research and opinion, and experience. I know it doesn’t apply to everyone (but it could [bawdy smile]).
Oh, second disclaimer: sex is not not not a dirty word within the context of marriage. Everything else is not what I’m talking about. It’s hard enough to get married people to talk about “it” and hard to get everyone else to shut up about it (or showing it on television, in movies, books, etc. like randy rabbits – or is that an oxymoron?)
So I’m just going to jump right in and throw a lot at you (and be pretty blunt so if you get offended, quit reading and don’t leave me a nasty comment. You’ve been warned). I throw all this at you because after this you might not come back (smile). Here it is: sex is very important to most men, but not in the way most women assume (i.e., horn dog). While most women need things such as financial security to feel safe and loved in a relationship (i.e., they’re not coming to take your home or car away), men need the physical act of sex.
I have heard it put this way, from Alpha Hubby and by reading so many men’s websites – the physical act of sex is like “coming home” and says to a man “I love you” in a way like no other. It gives him a security nothing else can. Again, not not all women or all men.
If this isn’t your relationship, that’s fine. What you have between you and yours is between you and yours, and whatever works for each couple is right for them.
As women, we are not exactly raised to know how vital the act was to a man (oh yeah, I can so see my mom telling me THAT, not). Most of us were told nothing at all.
As men, very few actually talk to their significant others about it. It’s not because they don’t want us to know – I think it is that we don’t give them a safe haven to talk about something as exposing as that. Remember, many are trained that they are supposed to want to BE those horn dogs. And certainly not to talk about the dreaded *feelings*. What he needs is to be able to tell you what he needs.
Some of the reasons women give for skipping out on the passion with the love of their lives: being tired, having a bad day, just ate, rather sleep, feeling fat or un-sexy in some way, kids need them more, needing to do so many other things like housework, blah blah blah. The Number One reason I’ve been given by all the women I’ve interviewed over the years? “I just don’t FEEL like it.”
One woman I interviewed was furious because her husband confessed to her that he’d had a *ahem* how do I say this – a BJ – in his vehicle from a female co-worker. The wife stabbed his vehicle seats until they were destroyed because she was never going to sit on them again.
Thing is, it had been over a year since they’d had sex. All the reasons why she hadn’t felt like having sex, truth? None were worthy of going a year without. I’m surprised he lasted that long. I told her that she’d sent her man out onto the world without his armor or protection. She was as much at fault as he was. They were both in the wrong.
It is super vital not to allow too much time between physical acts of intimacy. Think of it as that armor I mentioned, that protection he needs. Lack can set the man up to be vulnerable to outside – oh, I’ll just say it – forces of nature known as hussies. Skanks. Ho’s. Those who want your man and appreciate him and tell him so, making him think he’s “all that”. Yes, YOUR man no matter what you think of him. There is another woman out there who’d take him in a Cincinnati Second. And yes I know she doesn’t do his dirty laundry but that is not the point here. And no, most men won’t cheat but again, NOT the point.
Alpha Hubby has only twice refused sex that I initiated – and I think both times he had a temperature over 100 degrees, been feeling flu-like, coughing, and could barely breath. Other than that? He can be tired, dirty, side-tracked by things at work, super busy (like 60 hour weeks) or have a temperature UNDER 100 degrees, and if I’m ready and willing? Well, let’s just say, “Let the games begin!”
And therein lies one of the answers – “If I’m ready and willing” – ME. It pretty much depends on me and my attitude. We solved that pretty quickly in the beginning of our marriage when he came home from work and I was trying to get the dishes done. He kissed the back of my neck, being romantic. Alpha Son wasn’t home from school yet, but I wasn’t READY. And like I learned quick fast, turn him down enough and he’ll quit putting himself out there. It feels like (and is) rejection to him. Then it becomes “roommates”. Distancing beings. He’s protecting himself.
We finally realized that sometimes he had to give me a few minutes to switch from mommy mode or housewife mode or cook mode or cleaner mode to rendezvous mode. But I, personally, had to realize that I needed to STOP operating in those modes BEFORE he got home. I needed to stop, drop and roll over. No no, just kidding. I needed to stop, shower, dress in rendezvous clothing, perfume up, makeup up, and indicate “Here I am baby, come and get me because I WANT YOU.” And yeah, that means anywhere, in any room, any how we want it!
He needed to know that and I needed to show that. And after 21+ years? It is still true. He needs to know I want him. It is vital. Important side note? You may feel fat but you dress for him, most men don’t see what you call fat – they see “available” – so no matter what, dress it and strut your stuff, baby. That’s all he wants.
Now I hear you out there – but “Nan, I work outside the home. How can I do that? I’d rather sleep!” Something Alpha Hubby told me when we were doing the 30-days of intimacy – just knowing I WANTED to, helped him to wait until we could. Then again, sometimes you gotta fake it until you make it. NO, NOT THAT. Man, you ladies sure have your minds in the gutter. I mean start getting ready to seduce him. Even if you don’t feel like it. Oftentimes, before you are finished with the makeup, you will have switched “modes” and have begun to think about him and seducing him – and you attitude changes.
Besides – I mean, come on, REALLY, just how long does it take to have sex?? Quickies are awesome and regular doesn’t take hours. It can but that’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking about connecting with one another and protecting one another (especially him). And if you time it right, you can roll over and pass out – together – and have a great night’s sleep. Bwahahahaha.
It truly needs to be a priority – intimacy. Not just sex but all those gestures that say “I want you” and “You are Number One in my life” and “You matter over all others” and whatever your chat with your significant other showed you was important to him. You did ask, right? RIGHT? WHAT?? Not yet? Ladies, what are you waiting for? You really need to know what makes them feel special, wanted, necessary, and important to you. It is a great protection to your relationship.
In tune with one another. That’s what it’s all about. The rest of the world fades away when you keep one another Number One. It isn’t always about sex but if you will protect your man by ensuring he is… *ahem* …topped up, you will find things just go better all around.
And… the smoking hot sex ain’t so bad, either!!!
p.s. and as a friend of mine said in her comment, “…it’s time we debunk the myth that men are ready for sex at the drop of a hat” – true, true. Men are human, too! Yes, really! Men really are not sex machines, able to turn on immediately. Maybe when they are 16, ho ho – but no, they often need what we need – Alpha Hubby and I talk it out – we set dates as in, “OK, let’s plan it for tomorrow night” – and that doesn’t mean going all out so much as just knowing and then preparing, in the mood, thinking that it is going to happen (and me being ready when he comes in from work and giving him time to shower, etc.) – it isn’t always mega romantic – i.e., candles, music, rose petals along the floor – mostly it is just letting each other know we want it.
Sure, we do have the romantic (what I call rendezvous) once in a while but mostly it’s just knowing we planned for it and being aware we did. He tells me he thinks about it all day, knowing that that evening it’s a go. I shut down a little earlier in my day. When I worked, I thought about what I would do that evening to make sure it happened, after Alpha Son went to bed BUT it was on our minds which made it easier to accomplish!