Touch, A Series Part 1

September 17th, 2016


See this girls face, below?  That’s how I felt when I hooked up with Alpha Hubby.


I felt skittish. I didn’t trust his love. I waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wondered what he really wanted. I was waiting to be proven right, that he was a hidden ax-murderer and was there to hack what was left of my heart into a million pieces.

He would put his hand on my face like in that above picture. It made me VERY uncomfortable. I’d asked why he was doing that. He’d always reply, “I can tell where you are – I can feel who you.”

NO NO NO! Who does he think he is, trying to get into my psyche? Into my brain? Into my thought life. Well, he was my new husband but that is neither here or there, is it?

I had no reason to trust him – or any man.  I’d been through an entire lifetime of strange, painful, hurtful, stupid, weird, cataclysmic, embarrassing, horrifying, blah blah blah to infinity – stuff – with men.

I just figured out a timeline of my first job at 15 and my first year after I left home to go to college. It was all so strange that I don’t think I’d realized until yesterday that so much of it happened in that first year rather than stretched out over many years. It seemed like that stuff went on longer than that.

At my first ever job other than babysitting, I worked 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m., answering the telephone at the local newspaper office. I would write down when people didn’t get their newspaper, contact the carrier and have them take another one to the subscriber.  I was 15, it was easy work and I was proud of my first job.

A few weeks into it, “it” happened. I sat inside an office. My boss sat at a desk outside my office across from the front door. I would have to pass his desk to go out the front door to leave after work.

One evening I gathered my purse and walked out of the office. Two steps out and my boss said, “Are you leaving now?” I glanced at him and he was cocked (heh heh) back in his chair so that his hips were above the desk line of sight. He was unzipped and standing at attention – although I wasn’t that sure because it was teensy tiny – at least in my memory.

I was so shocked but I acted like I’d seen nothing, mumbled “yes” and automatically turned left to go down the four steps to the locked door. Back then when extra keys were made, they were often aluminum. I was shaking so badly I almost broke the key off in the door lock. I was so full of fear of what would happen if I did.

I was 15. Back in the 70’s most 15 year olds weren’t sexually aware and that kind of wise like so many girls are today. I was not only naive but I’d never seen one of “those” before.

I went home and immediately told my mom. After a few, “Are you sure” comments – which did not help – she and my dad decided that I wouldn’t have to go back to work. While that worked, it also left me unfulfilled – as if justice hadn’t been served. I was the “out of work” one and he got away with exposing his wee-willy-winkie at me.  Ugh.

Worst of all, that wasn’t the first and last time something like that happened to me.

I choose to forgive this man.

So fast forward several years and I’m facing unconditional love. What’s a girl to do in the face of that? Freak out, I tell you. FAH*R*E*A*K out. How DARE he love me unconditionally and make me FEEL things?

Poor Alpha Hubby.

End Part 1

16 Responses to “Touch, A Series Part 1”

  1. Nancy says:

    I’m willing to bet you weren’t the first because back then we kept our mouths shut…….too bad that since it was a newspaper, he couldn’t have been on the front page with his “the rest of the story”!

  2. I love this! I am so proud of you and how far you’ve come since we began working together. Such TRUE love between you and Alpha Hubby 🙂 You’ve helped me become a better coach because of your commitment and dedication for doing all the work! Keep writing and sharing! Such an inspiration.


    • LBDDiaries says:

      I really believe God hooked us up because you have inspired me and helped me see things differently. AND see that I still had some areas inside that needed healing. I have truly enjoyed our times together and the changes you’ve helped me make! You encourage and build me up – thank you!

  3. I’m glad you found happiness in Alpha husband. Hugs and kisses.

  4. That guy would probably count as a pedophile today. Ugh. What’s amazing is that A-holes like Roger Ailes still thought they could get away with sexually harassing grown women journalists—although he did for many years. I’m glad that Alpha hubby has been able to show you that they’re (men) not all like that.

    • Nan Loyd says:

      I never though of it that way but he would have been a pedophile! Oh yes, Alpha Hubby has taught me that love is not contaminated. He truly helped me walk out my “final” healing though example – that true love is real and lasting.

  5. Tammy Hull says:

    Nan…I am so sorry that happened to you. I know you must have been horrified!! You never told me that one. I hope we can visit again someday. I miss you. Im still sooo proud that Leland and you met. I know you kids will live happily ever after. Your so beautiful!! Love you. P.s. i dont have a url so i just made that one up..?

  6. HORRID,
    Dirty old man! Makes me sick. xx

    • nan @ lbddiaries says:

      Yep, that’s what I thought (later in life). At the time it was all fear. I don’t even remember how old he was but I’m sure he’s either dead or miserably old and creaky boned by now!

  7. Celia M. says:

    WOW!! It really is amazing what happens to us and how it affects us in all aspects of our lives – not only at the the time – but in future years. I’m so happy you and Alpha Hubby found each other. And that you are at a point in your life that you can share/write about experiences and how you were able to move forward – so many women blame themselves, suffer in silence and feel they are the only one who had such horrific things happen to them – that they do not seek help out of shame. When these women (like yourself) did nothing wrong. Sending you hugs and blessings, Celia

    • nan @ lbddiaries says:

      I often wonder if he did that or worse to anyone else back then. I pray not. I know my parents had no clue what to do with that problem. That is partly why I think it stayed with me along with the other things I’ll be writing about. I had a crazy few years between 17 and 27!

  8. Alpha says:

    Horse whipped comes to mind!

    • nan @ lbddiaries says:

      Baby I am glad you were not around then because then you’d have ended up in prison and I’d never have met you. I do wish he could have been horse-whipped, though.

  9. Merz says:

    Sure just leave me hanging. I can not imagine what you went through at that age. What a dirty thing and there is more?

    • nan @ lbddiaries says:

      Only you would think that. It was a dirty deal and yes, unfortunately there is more. But I’m free, as you know!

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