People think just because you blog about the romance, the amazing-ness of your Alpha Hubby and the wonderful life you have together that you aren’t being real.  So I am going to be real about the communication differences between men and women.  It isn’t a pretty story.  You may want to ask your children and pets to leave the room.  There are things that fly and splatter.

OK, you want exposure?  You want honesty in blogging?  I am going to yank down the curtains hiding the truth.  There are serious issues and drama that I never expose on the blog.  I am covering up some horrors just to make my marriage sound more romantic, hot and wonderful than it is.  I may also be making this whole paragraph up but I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I was standing at the sink minding my own business, peeling boiled eggs to make egg salad.  I’d already fixed lunch so that he could come in and eat before going out and continuing his manly man pursuits.

When he came in, he mentioned that he hadn’t been able to find rock salt (for homemade ice cream this weekend) at the local Atwoods. 

I asked, “Did you ask someone?”  A legitimate question, right?  I wasn’t thinking deep thoughts, just making conversation.

“No,” he replied.  No, I won’t. I won’t make a snide comment here. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.  OK, I’m fine now.

“I thought they sold ice cream machines there,” I commented.

“Oh, they do, tons of them.”

“Well, you should have asked because…” I jested, planning to explain the obscure places stores place products.

Well, pardon the heck outta me.  He jumped down my throat:  “Well maybe I should have asked but I didn’t…” and some more useful, acidy comments.  Sheesh.  You would have thought I’d planned to strip him of his masculinity!

I got peeved.  I was simply going to tell a joke.  He only heard “well you should have” and decided I was telling him what to do. 

I said, “I wasn’t trying to tell  you what to do.  You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“Well, it is your tone of voice!”

Huh? 

I loudly calmly explained “I hadn’t finished my sentence so how could you know I had a tone of voice if you didn’t know what I was going to say??”  Calmly being relative.  Or, perhaps, a slight… stretching of the truth.

I have a theory.  Men “hear” what they think is someone telling them what to do and they automatically reject it and shut down without hearing the entire sentence.  Women just make a statement, not thinking deep thoughts, not planning to be bossy britches, and for sure not intending to subject themselves to a volcano of attitude, and don’t realize that it may come across as know-it-all bossy.  And even if women did, they will deny it to their dying breath.

Being married to an alpha male like I am, you’d think I’d realize how, ummm,  testy they can be sometimes about certain words like, “you should have” “why didn’t  you” and “you need to.”  While I’m slightly exaggerating this story, I want you to know that I responded like any sane, mature, calm woman would do who needed to get her point across succinctly.

I threw a boiled egg at him

…which broke apart in glorious pieces flying everywhere; then I  expressed my dissatisfaction with him, and stomped glided genteelly out of the room.  Ever gracious.  Completely understanding.   Ha. Ha.   OH you should have seen the look on his face.  He couldn’t decide if he was shocked, angry or put upon.  He wanted to ignore me.  He wanted to throttle me as he brushed egg off his shirt.  He wanted to chase me around the room.

Just another day in paradise!

The difference is – I’m over it right now, about 30 minutes later.  He will be in a little while after he has thought things through and, unlike in the beginning of our marriage, there will be no cold war or not speaking to each other for days.  He’ll say, “sorry,” I’ll say, “well you should be” – NO NO – I’ll say, “I’m sorry I threw an egg at you” and we’ll move on to make this a joke later on.

We’re in this thing together and there are no other options.  No matter how human we get, at the foundation of anything we do is the knowledge that we will hunt one another down and … no no – at the foundation is love and that we are in this forever.  Divorce is not an option.  This is a lifetime covenant.  When you know that, you can have ignorant fights and arguments without fear – get over yourselves – and move on.

And don’t forget the make up… you know.

If you’ll pardon me now, I have to go clean up boiled egg off the countertop and floor.

(p.s., and yep, it was about 45 minutes later we got past our drama and got over ourselves.  You just can’t be touchy in marriage; it’s a waste of time.)

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We’re In This Love Together, Al Jarreau