How do people go from this:
It’s simple, really. They have forgotten the person they fell in love with. They’ve lost their focus. That focus has somehow, somewhere been taken off their loved one and put somewhere else.
Intimacy used to be SO easy. Why? Well, we were madly, passionately in love with that person. They were all we thought about. We were very willing to pursue them and overlook anything not perceived as “perfect” about them. NO ONE could tell us they were not perfect! We couldn’t WAIT to talk to them. We always wanted to look our best for them, to do what they liked to do, and to play and spend much time with them!
Then, after some time has passed, our words and attitudes, actions and thought processes, history and time, and life getting in the way, all work against our intimacy. We begin to let it slip away, not paying much attention to the loss. Big, huge mistake.
How does this happen?
We stopped pursuing.
— stopped communicating.
— stopped really listening.
— stopped treating one another with honor and respect.
— stopped thinking he’s all-that.
— stopped thinking she’s the girl of his dreams.
— stopped spending quality time together.
— stopped trusting one another especially with our hearts.
— stopped looking as good as when we first met
— stopped putting each other first place.
— stopped doing the things we used to do.
We allowed life to get in the way, in between us.
We became roommates because we lost intimacy and focus.
We allowed many other things – people, children, work, fun, hobbies, blogging, or anything – to come ahead of our loved one.
We stopped thinking the right way and stopped treating the other person as valuable and precious – special.
We started thinking:
— “Well, I’ve got him so I don’t have to do anything to keep him.”
— “Ehh, it’s JUST the wife, the old ball and chain, she doesn’t count.”
— “He never talks to me anymore.”
— “She never listens to me.”
— “Well, why should I be the one to make the first move?”
— “Why should I bother? He doesn’t!”
— “Oh, my husband; WHY can’t he be as wonderful and romantic as so-in-so?”
— “He sure doesn’t look like that football player I fell in love with”
— “I know she’s had our children, but is that girl I married even in there anymore? And does she even see ME?”
We started thinking, “Who IS this person I’m married to?”
I think of intimacy when I think of those beginning courtship days when you couldn’t wait to see one another, do nice things for one another, thought about each other ALL the time, and holding hands? Well, oi vey, was it not amazing that first time he took your hand and kissed your palm? Made THAT eye contact with you? Or touched the side of your face with his palm? (Big hint here, guys.)
Intimacy engages the five physical senses – see, hear, touch, smell, taste. And, as my Alpha Hubby always says, love is an action verb – it is not passive. Love acts. Love does. And yes, actions do speak louder than words but words are very important, too. Especially those three little ones, “I love you.” SAY them. A lot.
And speaking of words – there are two words Alpha Hubby and I work very hard NOT to say to one another, “always” and “never” in a negative way. In sentences, they sound something like this: “You ALWAYS do that to me (fail me, forget that, blow it)” or “You NEVER do this right (remembered offenses).” This is a BIG one, boys and girls. Work HARD on getting this out of your lives.
In the next few posts, I am going to list some things that may help with intimacy. I am not the expert – far from it = but I’m living with one (smile). Truthfully, this is a subject near and dear to my heart. Over the past few years, I have done a lot of research for a few books and articles, studied “men only” blogs, interviewed couples who have amazing relationships, and even asked my own hubby questions about intimacy and why people lose it.
Intimacy is not as hard as people tend to make it. Really! If it were hard, no one would get it… well, I was going to say “right” – but there is no right or wrong way for intimacy because it is subject to each individual’s ideal. I double-dog dare you to talk to your significant other about what intimacy means to them – what they need to feel loved. Ask them to tell you some things they’d like you to do. YES, I know it requires talking, but you may be surprised!
(Hint: it can be as simple as buying a romantic card and leaving in somewhere they will find it “by accident” to taking their hand while you’re walking somewhere to a note on a mirror saying “I love you!”)