So we left off in our last post with a promise of sharing some ideas to help you create, recreate or increase the intimacy in your relationship. A lot of it is just little things but those little things are more important than you may realize.
I did say in the last post – I double-dog dare challenged
you – to TALK to your significant other about what intimacy means to them. Did you do that?? Suuure you did. If you didn’t, then do so. Intimacy doesn’t happen without talking and without understanding what your loved one thinks of as intimacy.
What I didn’t say in the previous post is you need to be prepared to change your theories and thoughts about intimacy. What you may think of as a vital act of intimacy may mean zippo to your loved one. I KNOW– just when you thought it would be easy…
We have been fed a lie – that it is unromantic to TALK to each other about romantic gestures. Intimacy is the most important thing there is in your relationship. I venture to say that without intimacy, you have no relationship – you have roommates.
Sometimes we let the intimacy – those gestures, actions, attitudes, words – fall by the wayside as time and life get in the way of our once closeness. Intimacy isn’t difficult to understand – it is FOCUS – on the other person, your loved one. It is also so easy to let drop.
Intimacy acts are everything you did when you first met and were determined to be together. Dressing up, leaving notes, calling and talking to one another, giving cards, telling them what you specifically liked about them, touching, getting to know them by asking questions, making sure they know how important they are to you, and any number of things you can remember if you just think back.
Intimacy is cutting out everyone and everything that would take away from the two of you. Intimacy is letting them know they are the most important person in your life. No matter what. Yes, even before children – why? Because if you protect your relationship, your children will be taken care of just fine. Children are never supposed to come before your significant other. Ever.** It takes work but again, it is well worth it.
Intimacy is doing the little things that please the other person. Intimacy is about mushy emails, handwritten notes, light palm-to-face touches, feathery kisses, and connecting. Intimacy is trust because it takes trust to expose yourself to someone, your dreams, thoughts, desires, needs. Intimacy is the promise of forever.
If you are concerned because you’ve let intimacy drop, don’t be. Just making a commitment to working on intimacy – to doing something daily toward recreating intimacy in your relationship – will change something fundamental inside you both.
I can’t explain it; it just makes you more aware. It’s like going back to the beginning stages of your romance when everything was giddy and wonderful only now it surpassed that because you know one another so much better.
Finding some way to express intimacy every single day is not a breeze. You will have to work harder at it because you are starting again. Oh, but the resulting benefits are so well worth it. It will seem hard at first but it WILL get easier – make the commitment! You may not succeed every day but committing will help keep it in the forefront of your mind.
Intimacy is whatever it means between the two of you. What works for one couple may not work for another. Some people need things others don’t. These are just things that have worked for Alpha Hubby and me, and for the many other people I’ve researched and spoken to about this topic.
Some things are basic – some areas men and women want the same thing. Both want respect. Both want the other to pay attention when they talk, and to remember what they said. Both want to be put first (and yes, ladies, before your girlfriends). Both need to know and believe that you believe they are your hero. They want acknowledgement. They want touching. They want you to notice them and what they do for you. And it must be said, s*x. Lots and lots of it for a lot of couples.
Alpha Hubby loves to slow dance in the kitchen… or living room… or bedroom. I am relatively stoic but I swear, if the right song comes on I end up crying. He loves my singing voice and wants me to sing to him all the time – which only works if it isn’t some mushy song about love. Then, I end up crying through it. UGH. But, he loves it.
He’ll sing Little Red Riding Hood to me (which has personal meaning). He’ll send or bring flowers once in a while (but my favorites are the ones he picks and brings into the house. Those surprise me the most). He cooks (yes, grilling counts). He leaves the occasional note. He sends me romantic email cards. He builds things for me – rooms, walls, countertops, entire buildings. He comes home from work and finds me to kiss the back of my neck and say “hello”.
BUT, and here is the most important thing anyone can learn – anything else I may need or want from him, I will have to tell him – like how it takes my breath away when he grabs my hand in public when we’re walking (or standing still). He didn’t know that. He now does and when he takes my hand it doesn’t matter I had to tell him.
He might text something romantic (or naughty) or just to say “I love you”. If you’re not used to it, it may feel funny at first. The loved may not react the way you want them to at first because they’re not used to this – don’t give up. Keep it up. Say, “Can’t wait until you get home. I miss you.” He may say, “Huh?” Yeah, yeah, sometimes fake it until you get where you want to be in your relationship.
Alpha Hubby likes a good rendezvous. He may get home and find the lights out and a string of candles (or clothing) leading him to a room with romantic music and me, dressed in obvious “Hey it’s time for s*x” clothing. We also have a date night – and go on a REAL date where he comes by in the car to the front of the house and picks me up. There isn’t a lot to do around this area except the movies – but it is a real “dress up and go out” date.
He likes lipstick prints – sexy on a wine glass or on a note in a card. I might leave a note on the mirror with a lipstick kiss print letting him know I love him. Or something like, “Tonight” – which means he’s gonna get lucky.
We both like to eat by candlelight with romantic music going on in the background. We don’t do it often so when we do, it’s special. We also have a swimming pool and if he is getting home late, I might pop into the pool – nekid – and wait for him to walk through the gate. Yes, swimming pool water can boil, smile!!
Take the first song playing by James Ingram (Find 100 Ways) – send roses just because. Don’t only do that on special days. Surprise her, men. And woman, make sure you find things he loves (a favorite meal?) and fix it for him. Look nice for one another (not just when you have to run to town). Compliment one another, what they do or how they look. “Hey, you look really handsome/pretty.”
The most intimate thing Alpha Hubby has ever done? Not what you think (naughty, naughty). No, for twenty-one (21) years he has called me EVERY SINGLE DAY he is at work. He calls at lunch time to chit chat a few minutes. He lets me know he loves me, he tells me a bit how his day is going, or just to check in. Clockwork but to me, romantic.
Your greatest source of information is your loved one. ASK them what they consider romantic then work very hard to REMEMBER that and do it for them.
Next post will be a bit of an eye-opener to some – the importance of actually HAVING s*x. How important it is to men, what it means, what it means to a marriage to have or have not!
**I will say that when a couple still has children at home, intimacy is harder to keep fresh and going, but it can and must be done. It just takes thinking outside the box, to use creative ways to keep each other first. Sure kids take up a lot of time and attention but protect your relationship FIRST.