Guess what I learned? Drawing up house plans together can affect your dreamy relationship.
You know how I talk about focusing on the good in your mate? How you need to keep that focus on them and protect your relationship from all outside distractions? Keep it safe from those things that come along trying to destroy your marriage/relationship?
Yeah. I don’t think the experts factored in a couple building their dream home.
I have learned things about Alpha Hubby that have shaken me to my core, to my very foundation of my belief in our marriage. OK, maybe not but it has been eye opening, to say the least.
I learned we have to REALLY fight to keep from fighting over this house plan. Especially when he thinks he’s giving me what I dreamed of and want, and all I’m seeing are the things HE wants in the house that are catty-wampus of the things I think I want.
Sigh
Truth is – I am learning it’s just a dad-gummed house. I am not going to go to battle over it. He really is working very hard to give me all my heart’s desires – even if they don’t always work with the house plan. He finds ways. I have to keeping reminding myself of this when things go beyond what I think I’d like.
I just have to get off my high horse and let him work this plan – and remember a point made in a movie we saw years ago – School for Seduction – a cute little movie about a woman who starts a school to teach people about romance, dressing for seduction, etiquette, etc.
One couple in the movie was having trouble and the wife had been in the classes, tried what she’d learned on her husband, to no avail. She couldn’t understand why he wasn’t focused on their marriage anymore. He took her hand, leading her into the main portion of the house and asked, “Where am I?”
She was confused and tried to show him how he was represented in their home. Everything she came up with was really about her – her design, her ideas, her choices, her decor, her decorating – and he said, “Like I said, ‘Where am I’ in this house?”
It obviously wasn’t about decorating or decor – it was that her own focus had gotten skewed and everything was about what she liked. It was all about her. Nothing was about him, his desires, likes, ideas. He was feeling left out (there were other issues, too) which finally morphed into affecting the whole marriage.
I remind myself of that movie while we are creating our dream home. I remind myself he has a right to his dream home, too.
Even if it’s in MY house.*
♥
*Juuuuuust kidding, baby! You’re doing an amazing job.
I grew up with this version of “Dream a Little Dream of Me’ by Mama Cass of the Mamas and the Papas.* There is an amazing version by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong.
* The Mamas & the Papas were an American folk rock vocal group who recorded and performed from 1965 to 1968.
First – Are you building a house? We just bought some property and after our youngest graduates from H.S. this year, we’re going to sell our house and build our “rest of our life” house. About 33 years ago we bought our first couch. We agreed on a couch we both hated because we both thought the other liked it. I think we’ve learned a lot about honesty since then – and understanding, like you realized, our spouse’s strengths – and letting them lead in those strengths. When we build – he will make the best decisions – both financially and structurally. Because I’ve had a house full of boys, I’ve always made decisions for decor that were more rustic than froo-froo because I wanted them to be comfortable in their own God-designed skin (though my thinking room is so shabby chic me). I think we have one more couch and chair purchase in us – I’m thinking I’m picking the couch and he’s picking the chairs – but we’ll have fun in the adventure. I cannot imagine going through this dream house thing – and not talking being in it together, the picking, the choosing, the give and take. We’ve built once before – and it was a sweet adventure. I love who we are together – I am so much better with him than without. I grew up with a house full of women without men to help balance. It taught me a valuable lesson – I recognize that need to balance – and that means making room for each other. I cannot wait to hear more about your project!
Dearest Nan,
Guess we all constantly are trying hard to find that balance.
There are lots of things here in the home that IS Pieter, even what he totally created with his hands. For as long as I will live, that’s a good reason to stay here forever.
It would break my heart to ever leave all that behind!
Saturday we celebrated our 35th anniversary and considering his heart health (very weak) there is no telling what the ‘bonus’ time will be.
Pieter put it the other day in October when we went biking, that he always has that sword of Damocles hanging above him as he could drop dead without any warning. Scary! I’ve went ahead and asked him to write me a farewell letter, one that I can always read and reread. He gave me one on our wedding anniversary and he’s started to write a long, biology. Hope he finds the time to finish it. He wrote 3 months for his legally adopted daughter Liz Vedder but she took that special book and did not even keep her promise of making copies of his labor of love. The page size was too large for making copies here. She had access to other venues and would do so. NOPE – nothing but silence.
We had to let go and focus on us, on our quality days/weeks/months/years what God has set aside for us. Hope God will be most generous!
Hugs,
Mariette
How funny that I just posted on my other website, awm7.org, about longevity. If you are trusting God, He gave man (us) 120 years. Plus Psalms mentions long life for us if we trust Him to protect us. That place where ministers get 70 or 80 years is not for us; God was talking about those people who were in the wilderness who rebelled. They’re days got cut off. Ours hasn’t! I always hope Pieter believes that God WILL be most generous because I want the two of you to live much longer than the norm – true love!!
Thank you! Wanted to paste two hearts here but you don’t let me do that!
But we never reach an impasse. I finally understood what she wanted even though in my mind they were the same. Just different in appearance.
True. What I love is that you always work to create something I really want even if it doesn’t really fit! It always comes out beautifully, too!!